When you have lost...everything
"You are not what I want...I do not want you anymore"
Those words were told to me by the man I saw forever with and those were the words I prayed to God for. When praying to God for a sign as to what to do with a certain situation believe the signs he presents to you. For a long time I felt out of control trying to figure out, what is wrong with me? I had a plan. Get my education, get married, have children. Live a happy and fulfilling life. Now my life prior to my marriage wasn't perfect and it was not a path that God was on with me but one day...I was ready to receive the next step in my life. I prayed for a good life. The life that I've always dreamt of...to get married to a man who loved me and to build a family with that person. That man found me...and he made it easy to love. His love was calming and beautiful. My union was soooo good...until it wasn't. In my disclaimer I want to note that this blog is not about him. This blog will never bad mouth a man that I love even though the situation has caused me unimaginable pain. He isn't a bad man at all but found himself unhappy in our life. I don't know what God's plan is for us down the road but I prayed for God to give me a sign of what to do over and over again: "Do I continue to fight? Do I hold on? I want to hold on, Oh God I don't want to lose my husband". I cried over these words countless times and my hurt was so loud I wasn't listening. It wasn't just about having a failed marriage and having to face public embarrassment over a marriage that was deemed "Goals" to so many (stupid social media). I was losing someone who truly had my whole heart. I lost so much when he uttered those words and I believe he wasn't trying to intentionally cause me more pain than I already felt. I believe he needed me to stop fighting for something he believed wasn't worth fighting for anymore. God answers -- now what do I do?
Ruth is one of the most amazing women in the bible. If you study her closely, she experiences unbearable loss. She lost her husband. Despite her loss, her bravery and faith -- unwavering faith -- in the Lord, she received redemption, she was a recipient of God's Promise. That is what inspired me to follow her journey and use principles and study guides to help me in my new reality. Because something didn't pan out the way you dreamt or believed for yourself does not mean something is wrong with YOU. My life right now is not something I wanted and it's not my "fault" -- but the healing, that is my responsibility and my responsibility only. I've kept God as an after thought for too long; seeking him when I only needed him, but what God has expressed to me through all of this is that He is the true guide to navigate this life and it is time for me to Be Still and give all of my hurt and pain to him. He told me its already handled. Now I have a responsibility to become this Modern Day Ruth who doesn't let her past hold her back, who is full of faith and character, who believes in God's Redemption and will leave a legacy through her testimony. My love is unconditional and I will love those who have caused me harm be it intentionally or unintentionally. I pray and repent for any harm I may have caused as well. We will be renewed from this day forward. Be Still Modern Ruth's. God's timing, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, is the right timing. Although Ruth found her Boaz this blog isn't necessarily about finding love in another but finding love within yourself and surrounding yourself with Naomi's, women or people who are believers and will encourage you to be the best version God wants for you.
Your homework is to find time and meditate. We are on a journey to strengthen our spiritual core. Not only should we be physically healthy, we need to be spiritually healthy. This requires training and discipline -- commitment. God is looking for you to commit to him because His Promise -- it's there. Your path to redemption is already written but it requires work. Are you ready to work with me?