“Be of good cheer, do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something better is ever wasted.” – Helen Keller
GO BUCKS! This weekend was a very positive weekend for me and my family. First of all, the Buckeyes won and second of all I got to spend it with family and friends – new friends as well. It was good to interact with people on different levels than I have in a long time. But I was triggered this weekend. Blogging is very therapeutic for me and it is easy to speak through words about my journey and the reasons behind me being in this space that I am. But actually, talking about it – it really hurts. It really hurts to articulate the pain that I have been through, even though I am in a better space despite what has transpired, even with him, it still hurts. I don’t want to be pitied. If anything, I want and encourage continuous prayer over me and my well-being because my situation is painful, even though the pain isn’t at the forefront, I wouldn’t be honest in this walk if I didn’t admit that I can feel the undertones of my situation on a daily basis.
Let’s finally start taking a look at Ruth’s story but I’d do this journey unjust if we don’t talk about Naomi and how she parallels us and me in particular, in times of uncertainty. When Naomi returned to Bethlehem with Ruth in tow, the whole town was filled with excitement. We can assume that Naomi was a positive presence in her hometown prior to her departure/marriage. Unfortunately, the celebration didn’t necessarily comfort Naomi – no she returned a widow, with no children, a shadow of the person she was when she was married to a well-known man of Bethlehem. I felt like Naomi – having to return to my “former family” (cling to your husband) and as much as they have surrounded me with love I returned in such a state that I didn’t feel the comfort. I actually didn’t want their comfort – I wanted to be comforted by my husband and I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be alright. I was a mess even surrounded by unconditional love and support. Today, we live in a time where we deem success, achievement and prominence as individualistic. But during biblical times, all aspirations and dreams were for your family’s success and prominence. Your family was your primary identity, not your job or the makeup of your friend’s, you get the picture. During those times bearing and raising children was your legacy, your greatest achievement and being barren was a stripe against you, possibly in the worst of ways. Although Ruth’s journey is the foundation of my journey, Naomi has something very personal that I share with, we loss our identity. Now between my husband and I we may differ in this but my identity was wrapped up in my marriage and I was okay with that. My dreams were not to just be married but became a dream to marry this man and give him this family that he and I desired…when that changed and I had to return “home”, I felt like a failure. I am successful in my own right and I couldn’t think of a better circle to surround and uplift me on a daily basis – but I failed at this identity that I coveted. I loved being a wife and a mother to my bonus daughter.
I am in an identity crisis. Trying to understand my purpose and who I am now that I could no longer be a true Mrs. I don’t see my future as clear as I once did and I feel shamed, embarrassed that I am something or this marriage is something that became buyers remorse. I have questioned God many times and questioned what I’ve done to deserve such pain and despair – I have placed blame as well. Naomi did the same. It is important as a Christian woman that we are honest with God about how we feel. When we burry our pain and our feelings we become stagnant in our behaviours. I know for me, I spent time spaced out looking at the wall, crying uncontrollably, etc. No share your thoughts and feelings with God because God doesn’t want us to gloss over our feelings thinking it’s what we think he wants to hear, he wants our hearts, even when they are broken. I was ANGRY. I screamed, wanted to smash things, cursed him out, said terrible things to him and towards him (husband). To God – I just gave him the silent treatment after I screamed at Him too. Remember crisis mode? But once I calmed enough and spoke my truth, God revealed what was necessary for me to move in this direction.
Modern Day Ruth’s, do not be afraid to stand in your truth because God wants you in raw form. I am so raw now and vulnerable as I share mine with you but do not worry, God was the first to know and has given me the strength to be in this position to speak. The time to whine, complain and be discouraged is over, stand your ground and be determined that you are not going to let circumstances of life defeat you. Although you may be in an identity crisis, I dare you to refuse to go through life as a victim, you are a victor. You will overcome, I know I will – I don’t have the answers but God’s help I am already victorious.
“Ruth” by Kelly Minter, a bible study on focused on loss, love and legacy.
“Keep Calm and Trust God” by Jake and Keith Provance.