The Will to Choose
This past week has been a whirl wind. I lost two family members I wasn’t particularly close to but were very close in relation. Celebrated a family member from entering the BEST Sorority on this planet becoming a fourth generation of our family. I’ve also spoke and hung out with people who I normally wouldn’t have taken the time otherwise to speak with but they reached out to me feeling blessed by my story and wanted to confide in me on their own spiritual journey. I used to question God when things went bad in my life knowing full well that is not how God works. Around that time I befriended (on Facebook) a lady who was originally from the Buckeye State but moved to Texas who lost her son Will at the age of 3. I am not certain about the cause of his loss of life but I do know that really doesn’t matter. No matter when you lost someone be it not seeing the flicker of the heartbeat or losing a parent, how it happened doesn’t matter, it’s the why.
This week, it is my due date. My son was supposed to arrive around Thanksgiving. It is hard because I don’t get to share this loss with the one other person who closely experienced it – his father. Tis the season to be thankful and I am spending it in a way that I haven’t spent it in the last 7 years and especially this year when Ezra was to be such a beautiful holiday gift to be ever so thankful for.
I want to speak on my Facebook friend; she coined the phrase “The Will to Choose”. What is free will? The human will is free when it is not in bondage to prefer and choose irrationally. It is free when it is liberated from preferring what is infinitely less preferable than God and from choosing what will lead to destruction. When I think about my days of darkness when I shut people out, I reveled in that darkness. I was knee deep in my pain because without it I felt I would lose Elan, my first son I lost. Because he was never alive in this realm and he had no physical presence beyond the walls of the hospital I felt he would fade away because life went on. I chose that pain over everything. I used to say, “don’t complain about things you have the power to change” and in that moment – year and a half – in my mind I couldn’t change my situation. I couldn’t will myself to be pregnant. I couldn’t go back in time and make different decisions, so I just stayed in my dark space, willing myself there because it was better than letting him go. During this time is when I was introduced to Patcine and her son Will. She was everything I imagined a strong woman of divine faith surrounded by loss to be. She was honest in her pain but she didn’t live in it. Will became an inspiration to God’s promise. Patcine chose God in her darkest days. God gives us free will to choose him. How crazy is that? To not demand it but to choose Him and his promise to his followers? MIND BLOWN.
I chose to release Elan to God, truly release him and know that I carried him and I will never forget him even though others would. Today I still choose God, I choose to be happy. I demand that in my life. Recently someone told me something so profound that I want to share with you. Your spouse’s job is not to make you happy. Your spouse’s job is not to disturb your happiness. And its your job to find happiness within yourself that is so deeply rooted in God’s love that you just shine no matter where you are. The will to choose is not easy. It is a process that requires you to fall short at times until you are choosing God’s promise to assist in your eternal happiness. I don’t want anyone – spouse, family, friends, or foe – disturbing my happiness. I deserve happiness and with the understanding to choose happiness above my own pain and troubles. I choose to err on the side of God and Jesus Christ.
God doesn’t make bad things happen. Bad things just happen. But he gives us the tools to weather all storms. I’d like to think Ruth decided in a very vulnerable moment to choose to follow a woman of God. She didn’t have many options to begin with but when deciding between the red or blue pill, she chose the blue pill of blind faith and we know she was blessed. Modern Ruth’s, it is time for you to exercise free will over your life. How will you choose? Me, I almost chose to isolate myself this week and mourn my due date. But that would do nothing but allow that darkness to take over again. I want to be happy, even in the darkest moments I want to be happy knowing that God has a bigger plan in all of this chaos. Find Happiness. Be Happy. Be Still.