I am lonely...I am not alone
“Can’t go back to the beginning. Can’t control what tomorrow will bring. But I know here in the middle, is a place where You promised to be.”
Sometimes I wish I can turn the hands of time but honestly, I don’t regret the events that have led me where I am. It would be so easy to place blame on others or even condemn my past actions, but I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it were not for those events or my actions. Facebook has a “not so funny” way of reminding us of past posts or pictures from the years prior or specific days. Lately, I am reminded of all of the love that I showed my husband or some outlandish posts I made in my early 20’s (and I question my own sanity on the things I posted – thank goodness my mother was not my friend back then LOL). Over seven years ago I made a bold decision to buy a dog. I was alone – the first time in my life I ever truly felt the pains of loneliness and wanted a companion. Of course, I was known for making impulsive decisions so guess what I did? I bough a puppy knowing full well I didn’t have the time to really care for him. Not long after I got him my husband and I’s relationship was budding and I ended up passing the dog over to my parents a little over a year later. I was no longer lonely; on the contrary…I was in love, hopelessly. I eventually got my dog back but now 7 years later when the pangs of loneliness are starting to come back again, I am so thankful for that impulsive decision. If you are a dog lover, you understand the love they have for their owner. It doesn’t matter if I stepped out for 7 hours or 5 minutes, he greets me as if I am the best person in the world and it melts my heart and eases the loneliness, I have started to become accustomed to.
I was never a person who felt lonely. I was actually very comfortable with my own company. The feeling of loneliness is a foreign feeling; it can feel suffocating. I miss the intimacy and comfort of having someone I can trust and depend on. Someone who shares mutual affection without question. I miss knowing I can be in my own space but infiltrate someone else’s at will when I want to be playful or in a loving mood. You don’t have to experience marriage to understand this feeling. It makes sense where people are so afraid of being alone that they are constantly in relationships or in love with the idea of being in love because the alternative is not appealing and quite scary. For a person who used to revel in her solitude, who would read incessantly or write – I find more than ever it is harder for me to finish books; what took me maybe 3 days can take two weeks to finish a book that should be a very quick read. I used to fall asleep easily but now I am awake on a work night at 1 am. Its not that my mind is consumed with thoughts, on the contrary my thoughts are quiet. I just can’t sleep well alone.
I have distanced myself from the friends I wouldn’t hesitate to hang out with in the past. I know they are supportive, but they also have husbands/boyfriends and families and while I know everyone’s situation isn’t the best, even the perception is still hard to be around. This weekend I went to two balls and I was surrounded by so many loving people, but I felt so alone in a crowded room. I was in a room where men adored their women or at least gave the illusion that they would put on their tux to support them. Although there were single people it didn’t give me a space to feel comfortable. It was painfully obvious how alone I really was, especially when asked where my husband was. I don’t have the same connections people have because I spent so much of these years building a family. I don’t find myself relating or connecting, or even wanting to connect because I just don’t want to talk about or explain my husband and I’s relationship or lack thereof.
–Note: we still have a relationship even if it is not as “husband and wife”.
“Loneliness is not a lack of company. Loneliness is lack of purpose” I found this quote and I think it resonates with my because I am out of sorts, still in an identity crisis. Who am I now, that I may no longer bear the title of Mrs? What is my purpose? Some say that blogging and connecting with people through my own testimony is the start of my purpose. For me, as much as I have felt pure joy with connecting to people and assisting them with where they are in life based on my experiences, I still feel lonely. Does that mean this isn’t the beginning to my bigger purpose? Not necessarily but internally I have to be open to accept what God is preparing for me. This blog was stepping out on faith, exposing myself to the public because I wish I would have found someone who was bold enough to speak their ugly and beautiful truth while navigating harsh realities while still believing in God’s promise. It may not have changed my situation, but it could have helped me when I was really struggling with my own internal wars as a woman and wife.
Is it wrong to feel lonely when we know we have God? The point of this journey to have this unwavering faith in God’s promise but what God also promises is to never forsake his people. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” My life today can be described as this dark valley. This valley of loneliness of fear but God is with because His “rod and staff, they comfort me”. I will overcome this loneliness by continuing to focus on God and my purpose. As I pass through these murky waters or the dark valleys of loneliness, always remember God will be with you.
This time around in the comments I want you to be bold whether you chose to do it anonymously or stand in your truth, tell us a time where you felt that bitter chill of loneliness and what actions you took to overcome it or maybe you are facing the bitter chill as we speak and want to get over that mountain, swim through those murky waters or navigate through dark valleys.
“Not for a minute, was I forsaken. The Lord is in this place….”
Elevation Worship – Here Again