• Mila J

Elan and Ezra...

When you think of becoming pregnant, the moment you see a positive pregnancy test you think wow, nine months from now I am going to be a mother. After roughly five pregnancy tests and no live births, that initial excitement and expectation is non existent. On my personal Facebook page I posed a question, "When did you first know Jesus?". I wasn't speaking on the obligated Sunday school lessons or even the not so thinly veiled threats of hell if you didn't do the right thing as a teenager. I mean when did you "know" Jesus and that you needed him? I did some "not so great" things as a young adult. Okay, my actions were awful if I want to be brutally honest. Things that I was told God would not bless but I was so headstrong and thought I knew it all at that age because let's face it, at 19 I was absolutely grown and in my right mind (enter eye roll emoji). Those grown thoughts and actions led me to being pregnant. Those grown thoughts and actions led me to getting an abortion. To this day, that experience haunts me. I feel guilty and dirty for doing something so awful to an unborn child, a child who had no chance because of the decisions I made because I knew I was "grown".

I had two miscarriages while engaged before I was pregnant with Elan. I was married to my husband for a short time before we started trying with the assistance of a fertility doctor. I got pregnant fairly quickly and the pregnancy was good until it wasn't (common theme of my life). I went into pre-term labor at 16 weeks and ended up delivering Elan on July 4th 2015 due to an infection at 17 weeks. I remembered thinking -- this is my punishment for the abortion. I was told God wouldn't bless me and this is it. This is him punishing me. I married a man who had a daughter and I struggled to identify myself as a mother figure and I was desperate to have a child with my husband so I could feel connected to this family I married -- I married my husband and his daughter -- and I wanted, no, I needed to feel that connection with my husband. I needed to see him have a relationship with a child I could give him. I know how that sounds but as a step mother who struggled to give my husband something someone else was able to give him killed me. Top that off with the guilt of the abortion, I didn't stand a chance for the depression that took over. Another miscarriage, one failed IUI and two failed IVFs later -- I was defeated. My husband, well, he was defeated too but for another reason and since this isn't his story to tell I'll stick with my side.

I conceived Ezra during hard times in our marriage. Ezra was conceived very quickly with zero assistance from doctors. But my body failed me again. I delivered Ezra after a botched epidural and 6 hours of labor on July 10th 2018. I didn't mourn Ezra because I was so fearful that my marriage was over...little did I know, that fear would come to fruition not even a month after I left the hospital.

I posed a question, when did I know Jesus? I found Jesus at my lowest, I mean my lowest point. I felt broken and didn't know how I would live without this family that was crumbling before my eyes.

God doesn't punish his people. After each loss I couldn't help but to think of the abortion. Why would I get what I want when I selfishly chose my life and my future over a child? But that is not how God operates. I am sure my decision wasn't favorable but I have learned to accept the decision I made was for the best and believe it had no bearing on my body failing to give my husband children. What I am learning is to forgive myself and allow God to establish peace within my soul. I read somewhere that the crying and yelling out to God is great but God doesn't need you to cry out in hysterics and believe me, I have cried out and asked "why me" over and over again. God wants you to let out the hurt and give it to him. I don't know if I will have biological children. I don't know if my husband and I will reconcile. I don't know what God's plan for me and my future. I know I want to be a mother and I want to be a wife. In my heart I know God will bless those wishes somehow -- actually, he already has blessed me with the first. As I type I am looking down at this beautiful almost nine-year old girl who has changed my life and made me a mom and I am thankful for her mother for allowing me to be a constant figure even though her father and I aren't physically together. My ending is unclear but I am certain of one thing, I know Jesus and he is paramount in my life. Because I have jumped two feet into uncharted waters I don't worry about what could have been or what may be. I didn't do this right in the beginning. God was not in front of my marriage or my life but now that he is, things are much more calmer for me. But God...

As we work on our spiritual core, the first question you need to ask yourself is when did you know Jesus? Jesus is working on you as you read this post. He isn't judging you for your past, he just wants YOU to trust in Him and if you don't believe that believe me because I am smiling today and I've lost...a lot, but I am able to smile because I gave all of this to Him. I met Jesus in the hospital bed the summer of 2018. I was alone in the hospital. My husband went home and I was holding Ezra. He looked like me (actually he looked like my father). Tears poured down my face as I stroked his cold cheek and I prayed that Jesus had him in his hands and told Jesus he had me too. I left that hospital with Ezra's belongings with true peace after his death: I had another battle ahead of me but when I say that Jesus entered my life at my lowest, I meant that and at my lowest I allowed Him in. So Modern Ruth's, when did you know Jesus?


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