Disclaimer – I may go back and read this article and say “Goodness woman what were you thinking?” but this blog is my therapy. I am putting my pain, embarrassment, and struggles on the line to continue to gain peace and happiness. I thought I had gain a semblance of that peace and happiness, made peace with the end of my marriage until a bombshell was dropped on my lap. This is where it gets real – where I put it all on the table. To show the struggles of walking on this path and struggling with that very human emotion of anger and disappointment. When you go through a divorce you question everything. The biggest upset with my divorce is that I lost my friend – but what I’ve come to realize is that my marriage was over before it began – because I was unaware that my husband stepped out of this marriage 4 years ago, after I lost my son Elan. I am still trying to wrap my head around the pain I feel. How can I put inspirational messages out when right now I don’t feel inspirational – I feel anger, hate, pain – I feel vindictive. I just feel everything that I have worked hard not to feel. To forgive. To have understanding. Modern Day Ruth’s, this MDR doesn’t feel any of that.
This is part of the struggle to walk in faith and purpose, when things knock you off course, how do you see the beauty at the end? New insecurities and issues are popping up in my head. Things I thought I resolved and felt powerful over are no longer in my bones. I feel like I’ve lost everything again. That uncertainty that had me scared and powerless in my beliefs of a brighter future. It is unfair but that is life unfortunately. I am grasping to cling on to that belief that everything will still be okay, that everything will turn out for my good…but today I am going to be that human….today I am going to cry and scream at the unfairness of life. I am going to say that I wasted years on someone who didn’t deserve the ounce of good I gave them. I am going to find ways in my head to make him pay – to feel the same pain I feel.
And then I am going to come down off of this train wreck of destructive thoughts that are not guided by the Holy Spirit, that will not gain me favors or blessings and figure out how to pick my life up from this. I will one day learn to forgive him, not because he deserves it but because my soul needs to be released from the darkness that overtook me.
MDR’s, this is the ugliness that we face when overcoming the barriers and pains of our lives. This road has more turns and booby traps than I ever imagined. This road will challenge your resolve, your faith and your hope – why must we suffer before we can see the sunshine? Why must I be bruised in this walk to faith? A year from now, why will this have to become a testimony?
Jesus was more than bruised. He was more than disappointed…He was betrayed, denied…by the people He loved the most. He was beaten within an inch of death….they crucified Him, driving nails in His feet and hands, piercing His sides to puncture His lungs. “Forgive them, for they not know what they do…”
Forgive them, for they not know what they do….that echoes in my head as I think of the guilt that was absolved for confessing that ultimate betrayal to me during one of the most painful periods of my life. Jesus was no victim hanging on that cross…His death and resurrection changed the course of our faith today. This should change how we view suffering. As a MDR I struggle with not reveling in this suffering, switching back to victim mode and screaming “Why me!!??”
Why do bad things happen to good people!? I question God sometimes, I do. I want answers. I don’t want this pain over and over. I just want it to stop. I don’t want the limp, the scars, and the bruises – the implication of being damaged. I want the happiness I deserve, the one I worked hard for so long to attain within myself.
“God doesn’t allow bad things to happen”. I do believe that. God doesn’t interfere with man’s freewill. When I think about the mistakes I made as a young adult and the amends I worked hard within myself and faith for redemption, I realized that we always have the will to choose what is right. But God won’t interfere when we make choices that are not of Him.
I like to use this example. I used to be obsessed with Greek mythology, so much so my dog is named Acheron. If you are familiar you will know about the Three Fates or the Three Sisters who controlled the Past, Present and Future. They wove strings with different paths to one’s fate. I think about this with God. God is all knowing and sees the threads and path of our lives. Our choices determine the path we will go down. God always allows us to get on the right path but will not interfere with the decisions we make. Ultimately, the betrayal led our marriage down a path I didn’t foresee happening. Because I didn’t find out until 4 years later, I look back and can see how the thread of our marriage unraveled quickly and led us down a path that ultimately destroyed what I thought was the beginning to the rest of my life. My biggest fear was me losing him to death too soon, to walk to this Earth without the man I love. I couldn’t have imagined that this man I held so high and close to my heart would completely destroy the marriage before it had a chance to survive. If he confessed earlier would we have made it? I am not certain…but God saw this. He saw my anger, He saw me taking the higher road and just allowing this divorce to happen quietly and move on. But my readers know I don’t do anything quietly, not when we are on this path to truly be MDRs. I need to vent, to be angry and to show my readers that I too fall short, that I too have made mistakes in my past and struggle with my faith presently. That I too get tired…tired of hurting. Tired of trying to put positive energy into the universe only to be knocked back down. I am tired. But I want to get back on the right path…my spirit needs that peace that I found within my faith…but my human side just needs to be angry and hurt for a while.
MDR’s, this MDR needs your prayers just as much as I pray for your daily increases within your own journeys. This Bruised Faith that we have to bear on the path to freedom and understanding is a journey like no other.
Again, this isn’t about him…he will have to live with the choice he made not only his actions but the choice to lie and allow that lie to infect the covenant we could have had. I will have to live with the betrayal and find a way to forgive. Sigh. Let’s pray.
May God bless the woman deep within me, the woman I am trying to be; May He mend where my heart is broken and fill every empty space; May God erase the fears of my past to create in me a brighter future; May He make me slow to anger and quick to forgive
May this prayer reach you in your darkest moments.
The moment you slip off of the path God has paved for you, may you seek forgiveness within yourself from the impure thoughts and/or actions not of God and find peace and forgiveness towards those that have grieved you and towards those you have grieved. This I humbly submit.
Be Still – yes including me